be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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