I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
