No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
