I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
