I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
