so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
