mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
