I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
