so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
