I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
