I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
