I'm going to rape someone's good day.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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