Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize