I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
