and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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