i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
