So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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