i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
