seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
