i need an iv and a liver transplant
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Found your dick twin last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
