Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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