Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
