I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
