How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
