He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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