used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
