dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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