eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
