According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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