The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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