I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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