do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
