using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
