sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
