I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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