That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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