I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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