he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I will be naked everywhere
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
