Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
