I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
