How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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