I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
