Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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