Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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