what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
