i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
