I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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