; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
