Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just threw up on my dentist
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
