If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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