she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
