Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He has the fingertips of a God
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
