I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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