Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
