I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My feet surprised me
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