I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
