Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
