Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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