I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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