and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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