also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
