wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
