Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
